Today, at 10:22 a.m., 23 years ago, Samuel Martin Schadegg was born. This child we begged to have, Britt, Chris and myself. It’s been an agonizing month…like all the other months aren’t right??? But this is different, each passing birthday marks another year without Sam. The anticipation of this day as it looms closer, planning a gathering or writing a post that is worthy of honoring your child who you love more than life itself. There is nothing that will ever be good enough. Not in my heart anyway. It’s a month of wondering what he would be doing on his birthday. How he would want to spend this day that only comes once a year. Maybe just hanging out at the bar with friends or something more extravagant like a trip to Colorado or Cali with Rudy and Ariane. I don’t know but that tearful, painful wonder is forever present.
My mind wanders back to when he was little. I think this is when he loved his birthdays the most. Waking to balloons and crepe paper with Happy Birthday signs, always Scooby themed and the bubble machine on full blast. Elaborate birthday parties with a guest list a mile long. And of course, lots of presents. Then to his teen years where he just wanted a new Xbox or Nintendo or cash and he would retreat to the basement with a heard of friends to do what “I know what you were doing”…and I hated it, no I feared it. This was my child and he could never be replaced. How those thoughts haunt me.
There would always be a family dinner. His brother Chris’s birthday is April 30th so there was always a family thing. The last birthday we all spent together was huge. Sam’s 19th and Chris’s 30th. The boys wanted Italian so we made homemade pasta. Marinara and Alfredo sauce with lots of french bread soaked in “the butta”, our families name for their favorite homemade garlic butter.
It was a chaotic day, the whole family and girlfriends cooking,(except Sam and Chris). It was so much fun and it will always be a bittersweet memory stored in my heart forever. I remember feeling so happy that day in our new home, surrounded by family in that big kitchen. I just knew there would be a lifetime of dinners and brunches and holidays. I could picture weddings and grand babies. Most importantly it felt like this was a time in Sam’s life when things were good. A new house, lots of room to hang out with friends and a bedroom where he could retreat from all the chaos. College in the fall. Never ever in a million years did I ever think it would be his last birthday.
This past Friday night we went to dinner at Wildfire to celebrate Chris’s 34th birthday. As I sat listening to Chris speak, my thoughts wandered to Sam as they often do. How smart these two boys are, how much he misses his brother, how kind and gentle and loving they are and just how much they were alike. How they internalize and dissect every aspect of their lives, how their video games help them to keep their sanity, how if Sam would have gifted himself just a few minutes, smoked a bowl, calmed down, life would be so different. How if, what if, why? Surrounded by this wonderful family, Chris and his beautiful bride Nicole our granddaughter Emma, with another on the way. Britt, Trevor and John. All I had ever dreamed of in front of my eyes except my Samuel, my son, the child I begged for, the child I defended and who’s ass I kicked when he deserved it. My greatest joy and my biggest frustration. You are forever in my shattered heart. Wishing you a happy 23rd birthday love, wherever you may be.
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